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Riftverse & Arkham Sanitarium Canon: The Story So Far (2018 Edition)

Before we get into everything, let me start by briefly saying that, obviously, you are not required to read nor understand any of this to enjoy my videos. I am doing this for 2 reasons: 1) for those who are interested in learning more about the universe I’ve created and may be new to my channel, and 2) to set some things straight and even make some things canon, ie. “straight from the horse’s mouth”.

Have you ever read Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe, watched Doctor Who, Star Trek or Star Wars, heard of parallel universes or even multiverse theory? In a nutshell, I toy with the idea that multiple universes and timelines do exist, and I play around with space and time travel. This means that a character can appear, act and have a certain history in one video / timeline, and then act and appear and have a different history in another video / timeline. This allows me total creative freedom to do what I want with the characters, setting and the universe. It also helps a little, and is somewhat of an excuse, to explain why the characters may change appearance, voice or demeanor (since my facial hair always changes, I’m not the world’s best voice actor, and my memory isn’t the greatest). It also allows me to introduce new wrinkles to a character’s backstory or dabble with the idea of travelling through “rifts” or portals from one part of the universe to another, or to a different time period altogether. Remember: all of this has been improvised straight outta my head. None of this has ever been put to paper or fully scripted.

Now, on with the canon…

The Current Story (as of the date of this writing): You are a resident patient of Arkham Sanitarium located in Arkham, Massachusetts. Depending upon the timeline / universe, it is either modern-day or a post-apocalyptic period after the Thousand Year War (see below), and either you voluntarily admitted yourself to the facility during a time of stress, or you were brought there against your will, such as being kindnapped by an individual known only as “Thomas” who works for Professor Clemmons. No matter the reason for your being there, you have no desire to leave and have become quite acclimated to the environment. You enjoy the personal attention you receive from the various doctors. Most of the patients are friendly except for some of the hostiles such as the undead, head crabs, xenomorphs, etc, (although ongoing experiments continue to try and turn these creatures into docile sentient beings). There is no cost for you to stay, and all meals and entertainment are free. Any family members that you have are allowed to visit once a year. You are able to roam the grounds of the facility at your leisure, as long as it is before curfew which is usually 10PM. You can make use of the rifts that allow you to travel time and space. You have a bar-code on your wrist which identifies you, as well as one or two RFID micro chips implanted beneath your skin which allow you to be monitored and tracked at all times no matter where you go in the multiverse. Life is good!

Side Stories: 

  1. The Missing Keyboard Keys: Someone has been stealing various keyboard keys from computers in the sanitarium and from homes and offices in the town of Arkham, Massachusetts. Coincidentally, a new character called The Key Salesman has shown up and just so happens to be selling keyboard keys.
  2. The Candy Man’s Apprentice: You are training with The Candy Man in order to get a job and help deliver candy to his clients.
  3. The Plague Doctor’s Apprentice: You are training under Corvus to become a Plague Doctor at the sanitarium in order to help perform treatments since the population of the sanitarium is growing

Corvus Dunwich Clemmons & Professor William Clemmons: Once upon a time, back in the Middle Ages, there were 2 brothers: Corvus and William. Depending upon which timeline / universe we are talking about, “brothers” could either mean sons from the same mother, or they are completely unrelated but both are associated with the same “brotherhood”, “cult”, “order”, etc. In either case, Corvus ends up becoming a Plague Doctor and pursuing an apothecary’s line of work, while William goes off to pursue a doctor’s career path while dabbling in experimental surgery, becoming interested in the occult, perhaps even dark or blood magick. Time passes, and eventually both brothers learn the secret of immortality: Corvus finding the fountain of youth through a secret concoction that he must continually inject in himself in order to remain alive, while William obtains his immortality through ritual or magick. Jump to current day and they both are reunited, practicing at Arkham Sanitarium. However, Corvus has grown suspicious of his “brother” and wishes to have him killed though he has not found the courage to do so, while William has learned how to raise Cthulhu from his slumber in the sunken prison of R’lyeh and makes Cthulhu a servant who will eventually provide William with the language and means to summon the Great Ones and take over the multiverse.

William the Student: One alternate timeline suggests that modern-day William Clemmons is either a descendant (known or unknown to him and everyone else) of Medieval Ages William, a “reborn” William, or there wasn’t ever a William to begin with and the only William to ever exist is the 1920’s student who studied at Miskatonic University. In any case, William the Student ends up working at Arkham Sanitarium. He ends up falling in love with a woman named Margaret (see below) who was possibly another student during his tenure at the university. They both go on an expedition where Margaret, possibly pregnant, is killed in a tragic accident, and William ends up bringing her body back and ends up reanimating her using the forbidden knowledge he gained from his former colleague Herbert West. Eventually he ends up becoming head of Arkham Sanitarium.

William Clemmons, Director of Arkham Sanitarium: No matter the timeline, all paths lead to William becoming head of Arkham Sanitarium. Either he obtains this through force, or by working his way up the ranks. He also ends up coming in contact with the SCP Foundation, and agrees to use the sanitarium as a clandestine site for the Foundation in exchange for access to SCP sites and entities.

William Clemmons Split Personality Theory: It is possible that William suffers from a multiple personality disorder, and that many if not all of the characters such as Corvus, Dave, Margaret, The Repairman, The Candy Man, Dr. Lampert Schaede, etc., are all different personalities of William. If this is true, then what does that make the patient, ie. you the viewer? Perhaps the patient is an actual patient at the sanitarium, or is someone held against their will and lives in William’s basement, much like 10 Cloverfield lane. Perhaps William has made up all the characters and the history of the Sanitarium and has brainwashed his captive (the viewer) into believing all of it. Or, perhaps there is no captive at all, and we are merely watching found footage of William and his personalities in front of a camera.

William Clemmons is Nyarlathotep: Nyarlathotep is one of H. P. Lovecraft’s fictional other worldly creatures that often appears as a man who is obsessed with technology. You can read more about it somewhere out on the web. As far as this universe is concerned, it is known that in one or perhaps all timelines that William Clemmons is either possessed by Nyarlathotep or Nyarlathotep has taken on the form of a William Clemmons since the Middle Ages or at some point thereafter, perhaps during the expedition where Margaret died. It is also possible that the true William Clemmons exists as a patient who has lost his sanity, while Nyarlathotep poses as William in order to maintain control of the Sanitarium. I am not sure of the actual relationship between Nyarlathotep and Cthulhu as far as if they are relatives or rivals, but we can pretend in one timeline that Nyarlathotep wishes to use Cthulhu to take over the universe, or an alternate timeline could suggest that Cthulhu was never raised from his slumber.

Arkham Sanitarium: Again, depending upon the timeline, the sanitarium existed back during the Dark Ages where apparently Corvus and William both worked. It is not known if they practiced their crafts during the same time or at different years. Eventually, an unknown event occurs centuries later that causes the sanitarium to burn to the ground. It is not known if it was arson or an accident. In the 19th century, a new asylum is built in the town of Arkham, Massachusetts and was given the name of Arkham Sanitarium, or Arkham Sanitarium for Mental Rehabilitation (ASMR), in honor of the same facility from Medieval times. In all instances, Arkham Sanitarium acts as a safe haven for the broken and downtrodden, whether suffering from minor or severely debilitating physical and/or mental health issues. William Clemmons eventually becomes head of the facility, and ends up turning it into a place that experiments on the same type of individuals. But while the methods used are relaxing and beneficial to the overall physical and mental health of the patients, they are often used as guinea pigs for biological experiments, and more importantly as an energy source to be harvested during the A.S.M.R. sessions. Arkham Sanitarium burns down a second time and is rebuilt after the Thousand Year War (see below) where William maintains control and continues the experiments. I have also posited that modern and post-apocalyptic Arkham Sanitarium, perhaps depending upon the timeline/universe, also acts as a clandestine SCP Foundation facility unbeknownst to all except William. The Sanitarium grounds are also home to a hotel, amusement park, zoo, and thousands of acres of natural woods behind the facility with a peaceful trickling stream where a certain reanimated painter is often seen painting patients. There is a garden (see below) right behind the facility that is maintained by Margaret. There are also Arkham Sanitariums that exist on other planets.

The Arkham Sanitarium Method of Relaxation: This is just my way of playing with the ASMR acronym and making it fit within the Riftverse. The A.S.M.R. treatments are performed on various patients in order to harvest the energy they created (aka the “tingles”) in order to keep the facility operating, and to provide power to the rifts or portals that the Professor has created that one can use to traverse time and space. The method is actually beneficial to the mental and physical health and well being of the patients.

The Harvest: This is the name given to the act of obtaining the energy that each patient generates (i.e. the “tingles”) during an A.S.M.R. treatment session. The harvested energy is then used to either power the facility or various aspects of it, or is turned into a physical, liquid-based substance to be then used for unknown purposes. Perhaps Corvus uses some of the harvest for his secret concoction which helps keep him immortal. Perhaps the liquid harvest is injected in other life forms as part of various experiments.

The Arkham Sanitarium Residents and Patients: The residents and patients of Arkham Sanitarium can be anyone and anything from any part of the multiverse. Again, this is my way of drawing from and making reference to other works of fiction, and having fun with the sanitarium being a place where all kinds of creatures and things exist together. While the viewer is usually human in most cases / videos, it is possible that one could imagine being a different creature or even a robot. The Professor himself, perhaps with an extraction team, will travel the multiverse in search of new life forms so that he can perform biological experiments and harvest the unique energy each life form generates during the A.S.M.R. sessions. There is a ward or annex for each life form, i.e. a Human Ward, an Undead Ward, Xenomorph Ward, Dalek Ward, etc. etc.

The A.S.M.R. Treatment Rooms: Each patient is comfortably restrained, usually upright in a chair, and in an almost-soundproof room (i.e. the basement of my home). The patients are hooked up to an intricate device of the Professor’s creation that is able to draw the energy the patient generates during the session which can then be used either as a direct power source for the facility or to turn the energy into a physical, liquid-based substance used for various purposes.

Margaret Clemmons: There are a few theories as to who Margaret is.  The first is that she was once a student who attended Miskatonic University at the same time William did. They fell in love, and at one point she becomes pregnant, perhaps before they are married. They go on an expedition where she is killed, apparently in a “tragic accident”. Nothing is known as to whether the baby survived or not. William brings her body back and reanimates her using the knowledge he gained from former colleague Herbert West. Another theory is that the loss of Margaret was so hard on William that he suffered a severe mental breakdown because of it and ends up dressing up as her. The other theories are that there was never a Margaret to begin with, but it is actually one of Williams’ personalities, or she is another patient altogether.

Margaret’s Garden: Margaret Clemmons maintains a garden that exists behind the facility on Earth as well as other facilities on other planets. There is a portion of the garden that exists in a dark greenhouse. The garden is not just home to typical plants, fruits and vegetables, but some of them are sentient, perhaps containing the brain of a human or other life form. A section of the garden contains soil which holds unique healing properties. Some of the various patients and even some of the staff often schedule themselves to be buried in Margaret’s garden. And then there are those patients who break the sanitarium’s rules and as a form of punishment are buried in Margaret’s garden for hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries and millennia.

Thousand Year War on Earth: At some point in the future, Professor Clemmons eventually summons the Elder Gods to earth which causes an all-out war of humans vs Great Ones. Some of these creatures are benevolent and fight alongside the humans. The war lasts for a thousand years and eventually the world becomes a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Arkham Sanitarium is rebuilt and continues to operate as one of the “last bastions of hope”, or so it is known to the remaining populace of earth. It also remains one of the few places on earth where the last remnants of nature exists. Many of the Old Ones are killed or flee back to their home planets or planes of existence. The human race’s population is reduced to a small fraction. William continues to conduct his experiments in the facility. And it is in this alternate timeline where the viewer often finds themselves.

The Various Doctors and Staff Members: There are various people and creatures that are doctors and staff members at Arkham Sanitarium. Some of them were patients, some were creatures captured by the professor. There is a Deep One (from Lovecraft’s works) named Deep One Dave, Nurse Iggy Manley a man’s man and often a parody on the stereotypical straight guy, a sentient rhinoceros rescued from a forest, an older gentleman called “Grandpa”, a zombie doctor named Frank Walker, Charlie Carl a resident who is always seen on the floor scratching the carpet, Dr. Lampert Schaede a psychologist who always wears a lampshade on his head, and many more too numerous to list at the time of this writing. One possibility is that all of these people do actually exist as individuals in the universe, while another not-so-popular theory is that they are all personalities of the main character William Clemmons. I personally do not like this latter theory all too much, but there you have it!

That’s all I can remember and have time to write as of now. I’ll update this in the future with additional details and anything else I may have forgotten.

Thanks for reading!
E.R.

ASMR gets a new home on YouTube (not really, but we can hope!)

On September 18, 2018, YouTube posted an article on their Creator Blog announcing a new look to a section of their website that is home to gaming videos. You can read the article here: https://youtube-creators.googleblog.com/2018/09/gaming-gets-new-home-on-youtube.html

As soon as I saw this, I thought to myself: “what if YouTube did the same thing for ASMR?”

ASMR gets a new home on YouTube

And even other categories beyond ASMR and gaming such as comedy, podcasts, music, tutorials, art, and all the other various types of videos that you can find where many of the creators work just as hard as anyone but may not get the recognition they deserve.

But for now, let’s stick with ASMR. As you may or may not know, I am an ASMR creator myself. Well, I should say I primarily create ASMR videos. From time to time I create other videos such as the EphemRadio podcast or comedy skits that are not ASMR related. In any case, ASMR has exploded on YouTube over the past couple of years.

If you are not familiar with ASMR, it stands for the non-scientific layman’s term Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, and is an actual physical sensation that is almost like the shivers or goosebumps except it’s pleasant feeling and lasts longer. Trust me, it’s a real thing. I and many others experience it (although, sadly, I no longer do).

ASMR videos are meant not only to generate this feeling, but also to help people relax and even fall asleep. Yes, people will turn on their electronic devices to watch and/or listen to ASMR videos in order to fall asleep. Stress, anxiety, headaches, insomnia and just chillin’ after school or work are just some of the reasons why many people watch ASMR videos. Although most people watch to get their fix of “tingles”, which is the word used to describe the feeling.

But back to the topic at hand: ASMR getting it’s own destination on YouTube. I can tell you for a fact that a very large number of people watch my videos every month (the population of Colorado to be exact) and I know there are ASMR creators who receive many more views than that. ASMR may not be as big as the gaming community, but it could very well reach that level in the coming years.

So after seeing this announcement by YouTube, I thought I’d have some fun by parodying and photoshopping it, and turning it into what we might see one day if YouTube were to give ASMR the recognition it deserves it’s own destination.

Cheers!
E.R.

 

New word: Gingle

As of this date, I am adding a new word to my own personal lexicon even if the editors at Merriam-Webster never add it to the “official” English dictionary.

gin·gle
ˈɡiNGəl/

verb: gingle; 3rd person present: gingles; past tense: gingled; past participle: gingled; gerund or present participle: gingling;

to laugh lightly in a nervous, affected, or silly manner while experiencing ASMR.

noun: gingle; plural noun: gingles

a light, silly laugh while experiencing ASMR.

“they gingled at one of Iggy’s jokes while he crinkled his nutsack”

Ephemeral Rift Fanfiction Website – Coming… Soon? (Rift World, Arkham Sanitarium, Letters from the Apocalypse)

Whether you are familiar with my work on YouTube or not, you may or may not know that I’ve created a “virtual” universe known as “Rift World” which contains a variety of characters I’ve created and portrayed, many of whom are inspired by H. P. Lovecraft’s works, many others who are inspired by others works of fiction or draw from life itself. I call it a “virtual” universe because, unfortunately, I have not yet committed anything to paper. That’s because I am not a writer. Or at least, not yet (or not ever!!).

For now, all of these characters reside in a universe known as “Rift World”. Within Rift World lies Arkham Sanitarium where many of these characters work and live. There is also a video series I once ran known as “Letters from the Apocalypse” where viewers mailed in physical letters, often on paper made to look weathered and burned. The character who ran that series played the role of someone that supposedly gathered these letters that were found scattered to the wind in a post-apocalyptic world.

Since late 2017 I have been toying with the idea of creating a fanfiction website where people who enjoy the universe I’ve created can place themselves within it as a participant, such as a patient of the sanitarium or even a doctor, or simply write their own story of fictional events regarding the universe and its characters.

As of the date of this writing am I still spinning the wheels regarding how to setup and launch the website. I have a basic idea and the tools I need, I just need to think it out some more before it becomes official.

So for those of you who are looking forward to this, I hope it will happen sooner than later. For now, stay tuned, and feel free to write something for when the time comes, which I hope will be before the end of 2018.

All my best,
E.R.

All the Dad Jokes

Compiled from various sources:

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punch line becomes apparent.

What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but has no kids? A faux pa

“I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, ‘You.’”

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

When is a door not a door? When its ajar.

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.

Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.

What happens if a frog parks illegally? They get toad.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!

Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.

Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind… it’s tearable.

People say smoking will give you diseases… But how can they say that when it cures salmon?

I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?

Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!

Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”

I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!

Without geometry life is pointless.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

What rhymes with orange? No it doesn’t.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink… No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.

A supermarket cashier once saked if I would like the milk in a bag. I said “No, just leave it in the carton”

Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.

I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

What did the right eye say to the left eye? “Between you and me, something smells.”

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

Why can’t T-Rexes clap their hands? Because they are extinct.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar. The bartender said “sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

Why can’t two elephants go swimming? Because they only have one pair of trunks.

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

Our son once said “Dad, I was thinking…” and I replied “I thought I smelled something burning.”

A nurse told me, “Sorry for the wait!” I replied, “It’s alright, I’m patient.”

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

“Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.

I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

Dad, did you get shot in the army? No, son. I only got shot in the leggy.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

Why was the guy staring at the orange juice container? It said concentrate.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got fired because I took a couple of days off.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman says “Sorry, we only serve plain”.

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!

There’s a new type of broom out. It’s sweeping the nation.

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

I gave away all my dead batteries today… Free of charge.

My friend keeps saying “Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”. I know he means well.

My son once said “Dad, I’ll call you later.” I told him “Don’t call me later. Call me Dad.”

I was once asked if I was alright. I said “No, I’m half left.”

I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest. It’s his altar ego.

If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting a rest?

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino? Because he was on a roll.

There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. What do they do? They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after dinner? He went back four seconds.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

I was going to tell a joke about dogs, but it’s a little far-fetched

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth. It’s pasteurized before you even see it

My wife once asked me “How do I look?”. I told her “With your eyes.”

What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!

Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit? A: Because it was cultured.

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.

What did the horse say after it tripped? “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

How do parents lose their kids in a mall? Seriously, any tips are welcome…

How do snails fight? They slug it out.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

I’m reading a book on the history of glue. I can’t put it down.

I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

What did baby corn say to mama corn? Where’s popcorn?

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.

A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.

What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

“Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses?” “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

A genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” I answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.

I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

Why did the poor man sell yeast? To raise some dough.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be doing a movie about classical music? He’ll be Bach.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas? Clothes, but no cigar.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Why couldn’t the bike stand up by itself? It was two tired.

My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I don’t see the point.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.

Just quit my job at Starbucks because day after day it was the same old grind.

What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around

Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.

A waitress once asked if I wanted soup or salad. I said “I don’t want super salad, I want a regular salad.”

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.

A nurse once asked me for my blood type. I told her “Red.”

Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP.

A server once said to me “Sorry about your wait.”  I said to them “Are you saying I’m fat?”

My kid once said “Dad, make me a sandwich!” I replied “Poof, you’re a sandwich!”

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.

A man was washing the car with his son. The son asked “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.

I’ll do algebra, tackle geometry, maybe even a little calculus… But graphing is where I draw the line.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Can February March? No, but April May!

I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they were. It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

A furniture store keeps calling me. But all I wanted was one night stand.

What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.

How do you find a Princess? You follow the foot Prince.

What did the dad spider say to his kid spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.

I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

My son once asked if I got a haircut. I said “No, I got them all cut.”

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An orchestra.

What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”

I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

Why wasn’t the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.

Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

I sold my vacuum cleaner, it was just gathering dust.

I don’t like people who take drugs. For example, airport security.

Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop? Forever 21.

Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!

You heard of that new band 999MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.

My wife said she hated her haircut. I told her “Don’t worry, it’ll grow on you.”

Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms!”

You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.

Why did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.

EphemRadio Podcast #72 12-23-2017 Weekend Edition

In this episode of the podcast I ramble about the spirit of christmas compared with the commercialized aspect , kindness vs human nature and how our primitive side often undermines our good intentions, Quentin Tarantino’s film The Heightful Eight, being on the wagon, trusting your intuition, lipstick on a pig in regards to how the human race tries to be something it’s not, and other various related tangents.

Podcast links:
iTunes: http://apple.co/2zTTKnb
Google Play: http://bit.ly/2hOdLVt
LibSyn: http://ephemeralrift.libsyn.com/

EphemRadio Podcast #63 Weekday Edition 11-21-2017

I start off this episode with some news regarding the potential to play more indie music on the podcast beyond ccmixter and freemusicarchive; ramble about the holidays and having off from work; winter and remote car starters; incentives for the every day worker & taxpayer much like pro sports players; movies from the 80’s starting with Big; discussing episodes 4 & 5 of The Walking Dead Season 8.06

EphemRadio Podcast links: Itunes – LibSyn – Google Play

This week’s music in order of appearance:

Folksy song by Phoenician Sailor

“Beauty Over Industry” by Unwoman at freemusicarchive.org

“Deportee” by Michael Chapman and The Woopiles at freemusicarhive.org

“Nadeya” by reiswork at ccmixter.org

“Work These Hands” by Cletus Got Shot at freemusicarhive.org

Official Ephemeral Rift Merchandise Now Available via Spreadshirt.com

I have finally launched a shop via Spreadshirt.com starting with the “I hope you are doing well” phrase. In the coming months, and (Cthulhu willing) years, I’ll be offering and creating many more designs based on content from my YouTube channel and beyond (i.e. completely new designs and ideas unrelated to the channel.)

As of the date of this post, I am currently working on a design for “Arkham Sanitarium” and hope to have that available by the end of November (2017). There are plans for designs of specific characters as well, such as Corvus, Margaret, Dave, and who knows who or what else.

Keep in mind that you can alter the color of the design by clicking on “Adjust design or choose different product” when hovering over the product image.

While the shop also appears here on my website, it is merely a superficial placeholder. All transaction data takes place over at spreadshirt.com.