q’Mgleirp’s “Lost But Not Forgotten” Recipe

1/2 cup semi-solid nitrogen
1 1/2 cups peppered vertigo
4 boneless eldritch horrors, diced
1 unicycle tire, chopped f(x)=xk/2-1e-x/2/(2k/2Γ(k/2)) quarks
1 teaspoon glarfolnium, minced
2 coffeespoon all-purpose moonlight
3 forkspoons cosmic bouillon powder
4 spoonforks cream corn
5 spoonspoons ground ground
1 1/4 tablespoons lukewarm antimatter
1 1/2 chairspoons [REDACTED]
4 ounces cyan flavored raindrops

STEP 1: Turn the first lever on the right to the number twenty-eight. Pull the yellow string, not the red one, and especially not the green one that is starting to fray. When the cashmere carpet begins to sing in W Minor, slowly place the onyx bead into the open slot, being careful not to disturb the sleeping blue pen. Open the drawer and take out the partially burnt, slug egg-riddled scrap of crumpled pink construction paper. The back wall should be pulled one inch towards the lavender curtain. When the eighth light (not the first or the fifteenth) turns off, place the lid next to the gibbering garbage can that’s been turned inside out.

STEP 2: DO NOT MOVE THE LADDER! This is very important, that is not, whatever doesn’t matter, who cares what happens, not everyone does something, and no one should be paying attention because someone isn’t.

STEP 3: Place the ingredients.

STEP 4: Wait for the empty box to start violently shaking the salt and pepper (the box with the letter Q written on it nine times upside down and backwards in uppercase penmanship, not the box that’s been crushed and is on fire fourteen inches away from the thirty gallon barrel of spilled gasoline).

STEP 5: Make a mental note to disregard the four days that occurred two-hundred and sixty-three weeks ago.

STEP 6: [EXPUNGED]

STEP 7: Sit down in the wooden chair, not the steel one, the wooden one with the red cushion that has the sticky black stain and nauseating odor when you get up close to it. Reach under the broken lampshade and remove the rusty coil. Look at your fingers. Stand up. Walk five paces backwards, then seven paces sideways. Form the shape drawn on the chalkboard, but inverted. Twist the radioactive dial counterclockwise eleven times until paper bag screams and the door opens.

STEP 8: Leave the building, don’t look back, and never tell anyone about this.