The ERU Questionnaire

The ERU Questionnaire

1. What does the acronym ERU stand for?
A. Edible Rock Unboxing
B. Eldritch Reanimated Umbrella
C. Endoplasmic Reticulum User
D. Cryogenic Sleep Disorder
E. Everything Remains Underwater

2. How long have you been an ERU enjoyer?
A. Ever since you were kindnapped by Thomas
B. Ever since you were brought to life as part of the cloning experiments at Arkham Sanitarium
C. You can’t exactly recall, but you started watching around season 400
D. Since before time immemorial and before the multiverse and its creators even existed
E. What does ERU stand for again?

3. On a scale of 378.030519 to 381.009024 how would you rate your experience and enjoyment of the ERU?

4. What universe are we currently in?
A. The universe known as “Goober”
B. The axis point where all universes within the multiverse converge
C. The universe where Corvus and Margaret are married with children but haven’t discovered yet that they are twins who were separated at birth
D. The universe where this questionnaire does not take place
E. The universe where this is all just a very lucid dream that you are currently having as you lay sleeping in bed at Arkham Sanitarium

5. What happens if you travel through multiple rifts in a short amount of time?
A. Sentient tentacles will sprout out of all of your orifices, fingers and toes turning you into a hideous infectious monster who sole purpose is to devour every organism in sight
B. Nothing at first, but in the days and weeks that follow you’ll slowly start to lose your sanity as you begin gibbering incessantly about the cosmic horrors you witnessed who whispered your name from a midst the shadows of strange trees that twisted abnormally on a planet with a phosphorescent atmosphere and a thick mist that seemed to wrap itself around you and pull you deeper into the alien forest
C. You’ll create evil clones of yourself who’s sole purpose is to hunt you down and take you to their shadow dimension where you will be forced to do their bidding for all eternity which includes doing their laundry, washing their dishes, cooking their meals, mowing their lawns, taking out their trash, performing any minor repairs at their domiciles, taking their calls, being their chauffeur, being the fall guy when they get in trouble with the law, etc. etc. basically being a slave to the evil clones you created by accident because you didn’t think traveling through multiple rifts one right after the other was a big deal. well guess what? it is a big deal! and now you have to live with the consequences for the rest of your eternal existence. maybe next time you’ll actually read the manual instead of assuming you know everything.
D. Some minor indigestion and heartburn, a slight nosebleed perhaps, maybe some bloating and gas, but other than that nothing too serious
E. A mouth with rotting teeth, bad breath, an insatiable appetite and obnoxious attitude will appear growing out of the entire region of your abdomen

6. Which of the following items is the biggest seller at the Nothing Shop?
A. Nothing
B. Nothing
C. Nothing
D. Milk Chocolate Covered Peanut Butter Filled Nothing Cookies coated with Rainbow Sprinkles, Tiny Marshmallows, Dark Chocolate Chips, and a Drizzle of Butterscotch which can be found on floor 93 aisle 72,152
E. Nothing

7. In ERU season 57,924 episode 6,813 titled “The Jellyfish That Married Ralph’s Spleen”, who was the best man at the wedding?
A. Benjamin
B. Ralph’s Pancreas
C. Charlie Carl
D. Cindy the Jellyfish’s Grandfather Sebastian was the best man, since we learned in that episode that Cindy was only 8 years old when she lost her mother Bridget who was KIA during the century long war at the bottom of the pacific between the jellyfish and the squid
E. Tabufala

8. Which of the following is a true statement about the ERU:
A. The ERU was created by the developers at Void Entertainment
B. Arkham Sanitarium and its inhabitants exist in a plane of reality that defies all logic
C. Comrade Yuri is a spy who secretly works for the NWO
E. Bag Thing is one of Professor Clemmons’ failed experiments

9. When will the sentient vegetables and fruits rise up to power and take over planet earth as the first conquest in their plan to take over the universe?
A. Once they escape Margaret’s garden
B. Tonight
C. Tomorrow
D. Yesterday
E. Everyone knows it will be the sentient rocks and minerals that take over the universe, not a bunch of stupid plants, and they’ll do it when they feel like doing it, but not right now because they are in the very early stages of plotting their conquest of world domination, not to mention the fact that they need to conserve the energy they have been storing ever since they landed on planet earth

10. What is the secret power of the tissue package of the elder gods?
A. Enabling god mode
B. To absorb mucus that is discharged from the nasal region in response to an allergic reaction to microscopic particles in one’s environment
C. Putting anyone to sleep within close proximity to the sounds that it makes
D. Opening a rift to an unknown dimension that has yet to be explored
E. Unlimited use of the first level spell called Hideous Laughter

11. Which of the following men was discontinued from the ERU due to a lack of business and customers and eventually dying from an infectious disease that he caught when he was bitten by a venomous snake which was found in a junk drawer while he was looking for a screwdriver to replace an electrical outlet on a death star?
A. The Death Star Man
B. The Electrical Outlet Man
C. The Junk Drawer Man
D. The Venomous Snake Man
E. The Infectious Disease Man

12. Which of the following does not happen while being buried in Margaret’s garden?
A. Microscopic bacteria enter your skin through its pores infusing their DNA with yours, slowly turning you into a human worm – head of human, body of a worm
B. Your body absorbs the nutrients and minerals of the soil, slowly turning you into a unique plant with magical properties the likes of which the multiverse has never seen which will then lead to you being dissected under a microscope as scientists extract your DNA in order to make all sorts of advances in medicine and technology while keeping your consciousness alive inside an Atari 2600 video game cartridge
C. An overwhelming feeling of relaxation and safety, as if you are finally home, while you experience spiritual enlightenment and a perpetual state of blissful nirvana
D. You feel cramped, itchy and have a hard time breathing while all kinds of bugs crawl over your face, through your hair, up your nose, in your ears, even over your mouth as you try to blow and spit them away but to no avail, making it a very uncomfortable experience overall
E. Nothing.

13. In ERU season 8 episode 12 titled “When the Walls Start Talking”, what brain did Doctor Winslow put in your head?
A. His Own Brain
B. Professor Clemmons’ Brain
C. [gibberish]
D. The brain of one very special pebble
E. No brain at all, but instead spaghetti and meatballs because he thought it would be funny to eat dinner out of your skull cavity

14. The residents of which ward at Arkham Sanitarium were responsible for melting the facility to the ground?
A. The Evil Wizard Ward
B. The Corrosive Ooze, Slime and Blob Ward
C. The Molten Lava Monster Ward
D. The Elemental Dragon Ward
E. The Forest Sprite Ward

15. How many times has the cafeteria been expunged from the sanitarium due to food fights?
A. Once
B. Twice
C. 3 times
D. 801 billion, 925 million, 376 thousand and 52 times including the one from today that was started by Iggy Manley
E. 4 times.

16. Why did the Tin Foil Hat Society stop renewing their memberships and yearly questionnaires?
A. They ran out of membership cards and tin foil
B. The TFHS was disbanded after an undercover agent discovered that the TFHS was working with the lizard people all along
C. Commander Timothy “Tin Foil Tim” Timmerman wasn’t making any money from the TFHS and his mom told him to get a job or she’d kick him out of the house
D. The Aluminum Foil Hat Society completely annihilated and embarrassed the TFHS during the finals of the annual International Conspiracy Club Dungeons & Dragons Tournament
E. The TFHS never stopped renewing memberships or doing questionnaires, the nefarious organizations just want you to believe that. In fact, one particular nefarious organization who wishes to remain anonymous actually wrote this particular question in order to gaslight you into believing the TFHS stopped accepting new members

17. Which of the following is not a valid form of currency in the ERU?
A. Star dust
B. Teeth
C. Broken pieces of glass
E. Pebbles
E. Burnt hair

18. In ERU season 358, episode 749 titled “The Void That Took Over the Universe”, what happened in the cold barren northern desert on Planet Quabquab?
A. There was a dance contest between the inhabitants of the two warring clans known as the Skinless Bone People and the Boneless Skin People
B. An escape pod crashed containing the last frozen embryos of an alien species that went extinct which were miraculously brought to life by the scientists at the We Bring Frozen Alien Embryos Back To Life Corporation
C. Margaret gathered some of the desert sand to take back to her garden
D. You ended up in the desert after traveling through a rift in order to participate in this questionnaire. we are actually underground in a top secret facility in that very desert where we are recording season 358 episode 749
E. A new species of nothing was discovered.

19. Which of the following destinations in the multiverse is most frequently booked by the Zogthripp Travel Agency?
A. Planet Mallow which is home to a highly evolved and technically advanced species known as the Xorgonmallows
B. The Goober Universe which is home to a highly evolved and technically advanced species known as Homo Sapiens
C. Planet VegeFruit which is home to a highly evolved and technically advanced species of sentient vegetables and fruits
D. Hell
E. Kevin’s home world with its cyclopean architecture and non-euclidean geometry that will drive you insane just by looking at it, that is, if the unnameable eldritch horrors that lurk among the shadows don’t devour you first

20. What is pebble’s purpose in life?
A. To be a comforting friend that provides tingles, peace of mind, relaxation and sleep
B. To become ruler of the rocks and minerals and lead them to conquer our planet and take over the universe
C. To spread the word of his lord and savior George
D. To form the world’s greatest rock band
E. To become lead developer at Void Entertainment and create a video game based on the ERU

21. In the universe known as “Big Hairy Fish Hands”, why are Phillip and Leonard mortal enemies?
A. They are siblings, and you know how sibling rivalries are.
B. Phillip killed king Greg during the battle of the Stale Sour Cream & Onion Potato Chips. Greg was Leonard’s surrogate father, and Phillip usurped the throne to which Leonard was the sole and rightful heir.
C. Leonard is Phillip’s bastard son, and Leonard has never forgiven Phillip for leaving him and his mother Molly when they were poor and destitute, even though Phillip has since tried to make amends through various greeting cards, flowers and assorted boxed chocolates.
D. Philip and Leonard are bakers, and Philip stole Leonard’s recipe for Molten Lava Pie which helped Phillip win the universal baking competition
E. Philip is a sentient banana and Leonard is a sentient onion and everyone knows those two nations are at eternal war with each other even though the other sentient vegetable and fruit nations have tried to help them reach a peaceful truce.

22. What is the meaning of verse 8 in Chapter 2 of Her Majesty’s Decree to the Inhabitants of the Inner Sanctum of the Eternally Finite Thalmutarians?
A. The desert shall open its gaping maw and swallow whole the lopsided handwalkers
B. Eat not with forks and knives, but instead use spoons to scoop out the radioactive isotopes
C. When the sun rises in the north and the sky bleeds purple, the moon shall crash to the earth and split open like an egg, and all of her majesty’s children shall be set free to devour the heathens
D. In the far distant future, the chosen one shall apply permanent ink to its skin creating a picture which represents the ongoing struggle between parent and child as described in chapter 12
E. that when the lopsided handwalkers have been swallowed by the desert, when the radioactive isotopes have been scooped out, when her majesty’s children have devoured the earth, and when the chosen one has decorated its flesh with the word of her majesty, then and only then shall the Thalmutarians return home to retrieve their Victorian high backed chairs and free the maligned stalagmites

23. What is Warden Molly allergic to?
A. Oxygen
B. Sleep
C. The Universe
D. Indifference
E. Walking

24. Which of the following monsters can be found in the depths of the ancient catacombs that lie beneath Arkham Sanitarium?
A. Balrogs
B. Ancient Dragons
C. Devils & Demons
D. Cosmic Horrors
E. All of the above including but not limited to witches, wraiths, plague infested rats, acid spitting spiders, undead mages, werewolves, werebears, weregorillas, werecats, weredogs, wereweasels, wereraccoons, wereporcupines, werekangaroos, weredonkeys, werecamels, werecows, ghouls, goblins, orcs, kobolds, oozes and slimes, beholders, mimics, mindflayers, banshees, displacer beasts, flaming skulls, and practically every horrific, terrifying and threatening monster known and unknown that ever existed

25. Which of the following snacks can be found in the vending machines at Arkham Sanitarium?
A. Frosty Plague Froozles
B. Thalmutarian Veggie Twists
C. Cajun Zombie Jerky
D. Lightly Salted Pebble Crisps
E. Sweet & Sour Eyeballs

26. In the season finale of the ERU, which was the final season, what brought the ERU to its fateful end?
A. too many unstable rifts were opened causing timelines to intertwine and thus causing the multiverse as we know it to collapse into itself
B. The Thalmutarians who disobeyed the teachings of her majesty and brought about the destruction of the multiverse
C. Tissue package of the elder gods that awakened a being so powerful that it devoured the multiverse in a single bite
D. All the monsters that crawled out from the depths of the catacombs beneath Arkham sanitarium and were unleashed into the multiverse
E. When Corvus and Margaret finally found out they were twins

27. Which of the following is a valid form of currency in the ERU:
A. People
B. Thalmutarian coins
C. Insect parts
D. ABC gum
E. Sentient vegetables and fruits

28. [written by ChatGPT] In the blasphemous depths of the eldritch void, where sanity wanes and mortal souls are ensnared by writhing tentacles of despair, which of the following beverage options is most likely to calm the indescribable terror gnawing at your fragile existence?
A. A fragrant cup of chamomile tea, infused with the soothing whispers of elder gods.
B. A frosty glass of cosmic chaos cola, brimming with the effervescent essence of shattered realities.
C. A lukewarm mug of lukewarm water, devoid of any existential significance or comforting qualities.
D. A sizzling potion of caffeinated calamity, brewed from the roasted nightmares of forgotten civilizations.
E. A tepid concoction of lukewarm goat milk, lovingly extracted from the udders of Nyarlathotep’s own spectral herd.

29. In 10,000 words or less but no less than 500 and no more than 1,000 describe why you enjoy being a resident in the ERU?