A lot of people figure out what they want or are meant to do with their life at a young age, for any number of reasons.

Then there’s those of us who have no fucking clue whatsoever, also for any number of reasons, and so we often bounce from job to job or from hobby to hobby trying to figure that out. Unfortunately, some will never find it. While with a whole lot of luck, some like myself will.

You see, this is the best part about not planning or worrying about the future, and to a degree, being part Nihilist: the future doesn’t exist, and there is no meaning in life. Therefore, at any point in one’s life, one is free to do absolutely whatever one dam well pleases to forge their own destiny and write their own book from one moment, one day to the next. And when I say free, I don’t mean break the law. However, human-made, abstract laws upheld by force and which collide with individual, natural-born freedom is a whole separate topic.

At 55 years old, I survived Catholic school, and frequent bullying by my white peers (to the extent of needing surgery, something I never did to anyone else). The best part is, I never became a bully myself. This is especially true when it comes to our only child (son) who we didn’t bully by agreeing not to send him to religious school, since my wife and I are not religious. In a way, it was good (not really) that I went to Catholic school, as I learned that stuff is poison, and to avoid introducing/indoctrinating our son to it. Despite all this, and more, I’m very thankful and lucky to be alive, and I’ve never been happier. These details and more are planned for my memoir in a few years.

Everything has fallen into place for me when it comes to finding what I wanted to do with my life, although it took fifty-four years to do so! This is aside from becoming a husband and father. The husband/father pieces of my puzzle naturally fell into place sooner than the “What’s the one job/thing I can do with my life on a daily basis that’s truly satisfying so I don’t kill myself” piece. After all, one is not acting as a husband or father all day long, since spouses and children separate due to jobs and school, just one of numerous examples as to why so-called “modern” civilization is cancer (which is actually a video title on my channel). But I digress.

Despite the hearing loss, music being dead to me, lack of interest in things as I get older, I’m no longer sad or depressed like I once was at various times throughout my younger life. It’s quite surprising! While a huge part of that is finding the one thing I was meant to do, another part is giving up alcohol for good (was only ever a moderate drinker), getting my Vitamin D back up (especially from being deficient two years in a row starting in 2025), exercising again (resistance training 3 days a week), and cutting back on unhealthy food for the most part (80/20 or so, good/bad diet, I’m not a complete 100% healthy food person).

Unfortunately, at fifty-five, I’ve lived over half my life, and who knows how much time I have left. Regardless, I’m going to continue on, become the (self) published author I was meant to be, and hopefully ride off into the sunset of retirement with my wits and good health about me (knock on wood, cross my fingers and toes).

While the YouTube channel was a great outlet when I launched it at forty years old in September 2011 with decades of pent up creativity, it’s a very basic, intellectually-suffocating and limiting medium. If we’re to rank creative outlets, making videos and films is just a notch or two above what’s probably at the very bottom of the list: podcasting. Podcasting has got to be the laziest form of self expression. For many, especially celebrities, it’s nothing but a cash grab. The only podcasts that are worth their weight are those that are educational and creative (ie. storytelling). But enough dunking on podcasts, of which there are millions oversaturating the world right now. I ran one, but I stopped because I was stretching myself too thin creatively.

Anyhoo, back to the topic at hand, and the title of this post. On a whim, like my YouTube channel, I planned to self-publish my first book back in mid-October 2025, which was initially going to contain unpublished writings from my early thirties, back in the early 2000’s. Then I started to get creative with it, finding how easy it is to write, how it all just came pouring out. That’s when I realized writing is the thing I should have been doing all my life since I was young. In regards to the book itself that I’m close to finishing, I now have something that fits in the New Weird, Meta-fictional, Bizarro, Satirical Horror, Splatterpunk genres, apparently. It’s a mixed bag, kind of like my channel.

So if you are in that second group of people who are trying to figure out what to do with their lives that will make you happy and fulfill you, no matter what your age, I wish you all the luck in the world! Like they say, it’s never too late, although there’s a whole lotta lucky involved. I found the fountain of youth in my older age and I’ve been given a second chance, and so I’m taking advantage and making the best of it that I can. I hope you can do the same. You just have to keep waking up, keep going, take one day at a time, experiment, explore, go from job to job if you have to, while accepting where you are in life, and that you’re doing the best you can and trying to make the best decisions. What more can one do?

All right, I think that’s it. It’s like 5:30PM Saturday, August 29, 2026 as I write this and hopefully it reads well and is good enough. If not, fuck it! ;)

Cheers!

Paul / ER